Couldn't Live up to My Name...(if you have a weak tummy..don't read!)

Its funny now, but it was far from funny on Monday...

Monday, I did not display that supahwoman trait that I usually have on lock.

Since my mom has been home, my dad has to assist her in changing her bandages, replacing soiled gauze and so forth....

Well...this particular day...mom asked dad, can you help me change this before you go to the store. Of course dad "forgot!" So...I am checkin my mom out, and I can see it was becoming uncomfortable for her. She is changing these dressings a few times a day due to blood still coming from the holes where the 4 drains were...yes 4 drains! So anyhow...my mom also was kinda getting hungry. So Im like, hmm...what do I do!? I know I can offer to fix her somethin...thats EASY PEASY...BUT to offer to change her dressings...hmmm....

Being the good daughter I am...I asked her what she wanted to eat, she wanted a sandwich...hooked that up for her...NO PROBLEM! So...here's the conversation:

Me: Mom do you want me to help you with your dressings?

Mom: No, I can wait till dad gets back...(knowing how slow my dad moves...I proceed with...)

Me: Well mom, I see you are getting uncomfortable, let me help you...

Mom: No, I can wait...it looks really ugly...

Me: Oh mom! Come on now! Its not like Im gonna get all freaked out! Im your daughter, you are my flesh! I can help you!

Mom:....(with hesitance...she says), Ok...if you want to

Me: Come on mom..lets do this...

So we are in the bathroom in front of her HUGE mirror...racked up all the supplies needed to accomplish this mission! I knew I could do this! So here we go... She starts to give me detailed instructions and to proceed with caution....I do so.

(For those who don't know yet...she had a double mastectomy after chemotherapy AND radiation)...

I gently take her shirt off...then, Im looking at this special bra that is super tight, and also applies pressure to the chest...so, I began to remove the bra...and it immediately releases the pressure that was once there. All of the sudden...blood is dripping from the right side...we proceed....as I gulp. Im thinking, Oh Lawd...is my mom like losing too much blood!? Cuz, its steady rollin, no dripping...ROLLING down.

Okay...so I get ready to remove the bandages from the left.............................................................she warns me.......................................................Lawd............................this was the side she had the radiation that completely burned my mom...I mean burned! So...the site was NOT pretty.

My mom continues to give me instruction, and as I peel away more layers of the dressings, I get HOTTER and HOTTER and HOTTER...Im beginning to get dizzy....

I began to really start freaking out, because this was a situation that could NOT be rushed in anyway. OMG...how am I going to just stand up here like Im okay! OMG IM GONNA PASS OUT ON MY MOM!!!! TRICIA!!! Snap the hell out of it, get it together and put on your big girl panties!!! Little did I know my mom was watching my reactions in this HUGE mirror we were in front of and Im assuming I was looking faint.

After a few more minutes...

.....Nalla (my dog is barking viciously at someone she sees through the front door)...I ignore the hell out of her barking...Hell NALLA I need to concentrate right now! Please STFU!!! LOL!

Mom: Umm...you wanna see what Nalla is barking at?

Me: No! She's fine...

Mom:...silence....

Me: MOM....I AM SO SORRY BUT I THINK I NEED SOME FRESH AIR RIGHT NOW!!!!!

Mom: Its okay darlin, go get some fresh air, I can finish it...

Me: OKAY! Mom, I AM SO SORRY...I will be right back!....

As I am running down the hall, (cause I thought I had to vomit or somethin)...my dad walks in the back door with groceries!!!

Me: OMG! THANK GOD you are back! (me grabbing groceries from his hand)...PLEASE go assist your wife! I was attempting to help and I almost passed out right now...

Dad: (chuckles)

So there I went...laid out on my back...on the couch...right up underneath the ceiling fan...

Yeah...I had to hang my cape up that day...Supahwoman was NOT in the building!

I just really felt horrible, cause I couldn't complete the job!

I just NEVER saw flesh...raw tissue like that...EVER. Maybe on TV but not in real life. It got me too...cause it was my mama yall!!! My poor mama, has been through so much! And she HAS to look at it each day. =( So I continue to apologize, but she truly thinks it was funny..Im glad she can laugh it off....

Man...that was an experience...

Emotions Spiraling...

My eyes are puffy...lookin on the swollen side...yes, from my tears.

There is just SO much goin on right now it just seems like a bad dream...

I just cannot let go or forget what my mom has been through. I know my mom would love to have me by her side right now. I also know that her pride gets in the way and my pride gets in the way. My mom never wants to cry in front of me and I never want to cry in front of her.

Last night after Bre fell asleep and dad in his office space (the garage) I finally was able to release what I have been holding back all day. My tears, which explains my puffy eyes. I feel so alone at these times. Yes, I have plenty of people to come to my aid, but again its that pride. Its time like these, I miss having someone putting their arm around me tellin me its gonna be okay. When my mom was sick years ago, my nana kept me afloat. She constantly told me to stop crying and continued to ask me where my faith was. Never allow the devil in as I am letting him in by feelings of doubt. She always reminded me to keep my faith restored, and never give up faith and hope.

I will get the strength together to get in my car and head on over. I just hate seeing her so restricted, brings back horrible memories. I will fight through it and hold her hand...

Dropped Bre off this morning at school and my baby never cried so hard. She didn't want me to leave. This is her 3rd week in school and this was the first time she did this. She senses something is not right. She knew I wasn't goin to work dressed in shorts & flip flops. When we pull up to the house, she thinks grandma is in the house, but I have to remind her that she is not there and remind her that she is in the hospital. Bre misses her Grandma and actually Nalla (our rott) does too. Nalla has just been pacing back and forth lookin as if no one loves her. =( I will be goin to Bre's school to drop off some cupcakes for her class since she was not in school for her birthday.

Anticipating some good news at some point today...

Heavenly Father, please continue to work your miracles. Place your wisdom inside ALL staff that comes in contact with my mom. Only you know all the answers. Heal her Lord and keep her faith and strength alive. You are the only one I can depend on and trust. I love you. Amen.

She's Strong...

Yes my mama is the epitome of what a strong woman is.

I have been by my mamas side and watched her go through sooo many things due to her health issues.

With all that she has gone through, she has NEVER given up.
Just to name a few things she has gone through, here are a few:

• More than 1 open heart surgeries



• She has a mechanical valve



• Has a trach



• Was diabetic - thank God not any more



• Was infected with the Staph infection when she was hospitalized for 3 months...I believe this was in 2006.

Since all of this...

Last year she endured the removal of cancerous tissue in the breast. Had chemotherapy followed by grueling radiation therapy. A year later at a mammogram appointment, the cancer is back. It was a hard decision but she decided to go thru with the double mastectomy. As you can imagine the pace your mind goes and the emotions you go through. She understands it was better by far to get rid of the boobies and have the opportunity to do what we love to do which is spending time with loved ones OR she could have just left them on and went through the chemo again. No one wants to go through that mess over and over again.

Well...mastectomy was yesterday. She came out great looked great. Today these procedures are actually same day procedures but due to her existing conditions her Dr. wanted to keep her overnight to monitor. Well, its a good thing he did keep her as her blood pressure was a little on the low side and continued to be on the low side.

While I was visiting her yesterday she mentioned she felt something dripping. It was indeed blood dripping form her bandages. She informed me that it leaked more throughout the night. Dr. Morton came in today and regretted to inform her that she will need to go back to the OR as they assume she is bleeding internally somewhere and they need to see what is goin on.

If course my mom was devastated and miserable as she hates being in the hospital. She feels so strongly about not staying in the hospital because she caught Mersa while she was there years ago which is what caused the 3 month stay at the hospital, with a multi-organ failure. It was horrible. We truly thought we were losing her, but man oh man...MY GOD IS A GREAT GOD!!! She was there so long...she forgot what her house looked like, had to learnhow to write again and had to learn how to re-write again.

You may find that people get released alot quicker these days as this is the reason why. Please take note that hospitals are NOT the only places you can catch the infection. GYMS are very popular places as well, so be aware of your surroundings were germs are super active.

She is currently in surgery now, I am waiting for a phone call from my dad. I have Bre which explains why I am not down there as well. In a little bit though I will head down and drop Bre off with one of our BEST neighbors who is practically family. My mom & dad have THE BEST neighbors around. I have never seen such a tight knit group of neighbors ever. One of them is a nurse and went to be with my mom for a few hours and kept all the other nurses on their toes. She also aided me when I went in for labor. God is good.

Thank you for all the prayers, love and support...

Stay prayered up!

Tricia

Missin the Bestest Nana!

Shame on me for bein late in posting this...I started this earlier this morning but got too teary eyed to finish. Wrote a little blurb on my Facebook for you Nana as soon as I woke up.

You were the first person I thought of when I opened my eyes. I have thought of all the happenings that have been goin on since you have been gone. There are definitely some good moments and definitely some disappointing moments.

As I was posting to Facebook, I immediately thought of my girlfriend Rochelle that just recently lost her grandmother...I knew immediately how she felt, losing the rock of her family. She is also feeling the aftermath of how families can easily crumble after our rocks leave.

We just have to remember that you didn't leave us, we just can't see your physical presence. I know you are around me daily, in my spiritual presence.

Nana some crazy things have been goin on...and I cannot count the times I almost reached for the phone to call you up...to discuss the good the bad and the ugly!

I know Miss Bre keeps you in stitches. She would truly love you and adore you if she had a chance to know you. She sees your pictures all the time and knows that you are Nana! She speaks of your name like she remembers you, maybe she does.

As we usually do annually, we went on a cruise a few weeks ago and it just was not the same for a few reasons. There were a few firsts that I experienced.
1.) You were not there
2.) Reggie was not there
3.) And Bre traveled on a ship for the very first time.

So many times as I walked on deck and expected to see you in the lounge chair reading your Bible, or expecting to see you in the lunch buffet line, or me coming back tot he cabin and yo asking me if Im ready for the midnight buffet...and you just weren't there. I remember the year we went on the cruise and you ate so much you claimed your clothes shrunk and it was possibly the night air...lol. Nana you were just eating too much! LOL...I was young enough where I was so too gullible to believe you!

Nana I miss you so much, words cannot express. I will continue to celebrate your birthday and tell you Happy Birthday as if I was sitting on your lap. You always invited me to sit on your lap, no matter how big I got! I remember you also invited me to hold your hand while you went to handle your business in the bathroom...lol. Man I miss you woman! Love you lots!

Happy Birthday Boo!

Cheers to you!

A Glance of Christmas Morning....

It was a blessed Christmas...here are a VERY few pics to give you a sample of what Christmas morning was like at mom and dads house!


Here is a before picture: Before all the chaos...before folks woke up...
This was only one shot of the room...the aftermath..all that pink foo-foo stuff you see...that was a tu-tu Bre got that was in her Treasure Chest of dress up clothes...

She was a little overwhelmed...

Everyone lookin in their stockings...

Folks gettin all funny...my sister tryna fool somebody...puttin my Eric Benet & Jazmin Sullivan CD's in this used box...she has jokes!

Bre got a new robe for Christmas...her Grandma taught her how to pose...taught her how to "Look over your shoulder and put your hand on your hip" I think she has it down!

Simply gorgeous!
He He! That game was the bomb! If youhaven't tried it..."The Micheal Jackson Experience" ya betta ask somebody...my aunt and cousins got it for their Wii...
Still unwrapping...she was in a weird mood...thats what happens when a diva gets woke up out of her sleep. Lol!
Rams Biggest Fan! Dad got some Rams stuff...a reversible Rams Jacket, Rams Toothbrush and cool ass card table from his girls..he also got some Laker gear and a super nice Laker Book that highlighted the last 50 years.

Hope your Christmas was blessed!

Another Bittersweet Holiday...

is upon me...

It has been almost 1 1/2 year since my separation, this is the 2nd Christmas without what I am use to. I understand that it is reality of what I am facing but I do know that God is in my corner. I have had a VERY emotional day it seems like everytime I think of it, I get teary eyes...yes I am being a punk today. That's okay I am entitled.

Because her dad was coming to pick her up this morning I had to wake Bre up which she despises and is beyond GRUMPY when I do. So, she spend the morning pouting and whining and Lord knows I don't like whiny girls! So, time passed and he came around 10am to pick up my girl and whisked her away with his family, who I use to entertain at my home jointly with my family. I guess that was the past. The holidays just are not the same for me anymore, and again I am getting teary eyes.

Bare with me, I just gotta get this out I guess. I hear the fam about to rev up the Micheal Jackson game on the Wii...so i will join them in a minute. I'm hearing alot of "he he's" and "OW's!"...someone is havin difficulties putting the glove on...

BUT ANYWHO...

I picked my girl up and from my father in laws house and she was still knocked out cold. This is the result of her tryna fight sleep being nosy tryna wait for Santa last night. It is 5:13pm and she is barely waking up... So maybe now we can just start all over and I can show her all of her wonderful gifts that she was blessed with.

I am SO thankful to have a loving family that supports me and is their for me for every bump in my road..getting teary eyed again. I have been through soooo much this year and I am so anticipating a better year for next year. So much on my plate and sometimes I feel like its just piled too damn high at times. But I must keep in mind that my God is an awesome God and he knows the perfect time when I need to be carried. Lord I thank you for the most powerful strength that you give me to get up out of bed everyday, take care of my daughter, thank you for my job that I get to go to everyday to make life possible. Without You Father nothing is possible. Through YOU...ALL things are possible.

Whew...im exhaling. I am staying strong. I thank all of my family and friends for continuously being in my corner. Keep me lifted in prayer because sometimes, a sista just wants to break down.

Stay up...Merry Christmas...
More Merry Christmasy stuff in a later post, didn't wanna mix..water and oil don't mix. Lol..

Happy Thanksgiving to All!!

Well as of right now, I haven't even had a fork of nuthin!

You know my people eat late...and we run late on just about everything! But its all good. My dad has the BIGGEST grin on his face to be able to use his new Deep Fryer (indoor). House smellin all good! The neighbor even brought a turkey over for dad to fry!

So on the menu we are having:

Turkey & Dressing

Honey Baked Ham

Mac & Cheese

Greens

Mashed Potatoes

Rolls

Candies Yams

Pies

Pound Cakes

Friendship Bread

All the above...heavenly goodness.

I started my morning out with community service with my beautiful Sorors of Zeta Phi Beta Sorority, INC! We usually spend our time Thanksgiving morning serving the homeless. Their dinner is usually served around 11:00am . The crowd grows every year.

This year, we decided to do something different. While the crowds are waiting in line, we thought it would be a good idea to serve them breakfast. We offered a variety of donuts, assorted fruits and juice. It went very well. Since people start lining up around 8am, it worked out really well.

The community service is very rewarding. I even caught myself before I began to complain about how cold it was out there. I suddenly remembered BEFORE I uttered a word how alot of these families have NO shelter and have to live out in these conditions. So...I suffered through and served my community. Very humbling experience.

I was happy children of my Sorors were out assisting as it was a humbling experience for us all.

Here are a few pics:

On another note...wow. I already shed my tears today, but I miss my NANA sooo much. I miss all my loved ones who are no longer physically in my presence. Holidays, just doesn't seem to be what they use to be. I have alot of distant family members who I don't get to see often. Just wanted to let yall know I love you and missed you for the holidays. This is also the first Thanksgiving that my baby girl will be leaving me to go with her other half today.. =(

I know I can't be selfish. So I will suck it up and I will see her on her return.

I'm ready to eat...for real...like right now!

Happy Thanksgiving to all my family and friends!

XOXO

Tricia